These things that sleep beneath the skin

by thelastclarissa

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released August 4, 2013

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Track Name: Ballad of a housewife's neuroses
I know i've said a lot of things
and I know i'll say a fuckton more,
but I guarantee I won't mean
any of them.

You've got to understand
I don't know what I'm doing,
forgive me when I fuck up but I'm a shoe in
for most confused person in the room.

I try to tell you how much you mean,
but I end up saying stupid things
like I love you
and I'll never ever leave.

But I've got doubts,
they're like a swarm of bees,
and I try to outrun them but they always find me
so eventually I just ran to your arms.

And eventually I'll hurt you,
and eventually could be today.
Our relationship was doomed the first time I said your name.

And eventually you'll look at me
and say “Why would you ever?”
and I won't be able to explain.
Because I have no idea how I've tethered myself
to the pain I can cause you
when I tell you I love you and don't.

I know i've said a lot of things
and I know i'll say a fuckton more,
but I guarantee I won't mean
any of them.

You've got to understand
I don't know what I'm doing,
forgive me when I fuck up but I'm a shoe in
for most confused person in the room.

I try to tell you how much you mean
but it's like pulling teeth.
I just can't do it to myself
so I end up saying stupid things
like I love you and I'll never ever leave.

But eventually I will.
Or eventually I'll beg you to.
And eventually you'll look at me
and say “How could you ever?”
and I won't be able to explain.
Because I have no idea why I've tethered myself
to the pain I can cause you
when I tell you I love you and don't.

And you deserve better,
and you deserve better,
and you deserve better than me
and my mess of insecurities.
Track Name: On the difficulty with courage
You are not waiting for me
and I am not brave enough to ask you to,
but just this side of selfish enough
to think you should.

There's not enough wrong with me.
But don't turn your back on me-
I'm still damaged and I'm still shy
and I don't need to be saved, but I would let you try.

Don't turn your back on me.

But bravery is not for me.
No no no no no no no no no
not for me.
no no no no no no no no no.

I am weak and I am a coward
and I let you get away with things I know I shouldn't,
and you ask for more and more
even though you promised that you wouldn't.

And maybe I should stop being so goddamn helpless
and maybe I should grow a spine,
say no a few times,
practice my insouciance oh...

But indifference is not for me.
No no no no no no no no no
not for me.
No no no no no no no no no.

There's not enough wrong with me.
But don't turn your back on me-
I'm still damaged and I'm still shy
and I don't need to be saved, but I would let you try.

Don't turn your back on me.

I may not be there when you turn around again.
Track Name: Down we go ("Good as new," I lie.)
“Don't,” and you lift it up.
Oh, your stupid impetuosity.
Wilt now, like a bespelled flower.
No more your face be decked in purity.

Were I to take the lead and take my leave,
entire galaxies in your eyes would burn and bleed and realign.

Good as new, or broken, blue, bent askew.
On shattered love I lie and say I knew.

“Don't,” and you lift it up.
Oh, if love really is a poison cup, then
wilt now, like a bespelled flower.
No more your heart your own to beat. No more.

What a shocker, that I would play the role of snake charmer;
every knight in armor mine to hold in ransom forever.

Gold or silver, just a sliver but your love has gotten under my fingernails.
Oh lord, just what that entails...

'Gone forever- be back soon' : what I'd like to say to you. But
one can't be too careful about the things you'd like to be true.

Good as new, or broken, blue, bent askew.
On shattered love I lie and say I knew.

Only for the best of reasons
have I misled myself about the meaning of the words I steal.

Laugh it up, little conscience, go on and bust a stay.
On shattered love I lie and say I knew.
Rigidly denying my guiltiness, I cut the rope
(down we go).
Track Name: Contemplations of burning down the wishing well (my penny chirps as it drops)
Down by the empty hollow;
I might swallow this small defiance.
I might conclude that my shallow waters
were no match for your tide.

But I tried. Or I thought of it.
Oh, my love. Just not enough.

I follow light, I follow love.
Yeah, right.
Empty, and fallow,
my mind teems with impracticalities.

Oh, my love. Not enough.
Trust me not at all.

When push comes to shove
then love comes to guilt;
how remarkably hale, my generosity.
I give you more than you ask of me.

Oh my love.
Far too much.
Far too poorly.
Far too vindictive to be innocently motivated.

Watch you trip. Watch you fall.
Oh my dearest, trust me least of all.

Clink. Clank. Sink. Sank.
My heart just one big blank.
Track Name: Gamophobia (fear of marriage)
Like a dancer, shrug off this pliancy.
Imagine me all trussed up in finery!
What a thought!
As if I could be caught, like a drunk in a winery.

Bridal veils- huh- more like blindfolds.
Well, thank you so very much-
I'll be sure to be in touch if I ever decide
to forfeit my life.

Don't stay up all night waiting.
I'll be praying for some kind of religion;
a god or a being, above or below or on any side at all:
stop this sinking feeling in the pit of my soul.

Hold my hand.
(Am I still solid? Oh god how I shiver and shatter!)

Does it even matter?
If love sleeps in my heart, I mean.
The impossibility of what you ask of me is all-consuming.
Like death looming over my head.

(pitter patter, in my bones;
feel a winter of fear settle over my leaden throat.
How casual can I appear when I am so near to passing out?
It shames me how clear it must be that I'm totally freaking out.)

Hold my hand.
(Am I still solid? Oh god how I shiver and shatter!)

Does it even matter?
If love sleeps in my heart, I mean.
If love leaps through my veins, I mean.
If love weeps behind my words, I mean.

Does it even matter?
Does it even matter?
Does it even matter?
Track Name: These things that sleep beneath the skin
(When I close my eyes)
I see you when you throw your arms around me.
I see you when you say that you really really love me.
And I see you when you make a joke at my expense.
I see the way you laugh like I don't make sense.
I see you.
I see you.
I see you and me.

And I know that you're seeing other girls.
And I know that you think that I'm hurt by it.
But I don't mind, because I know that you don't mean it.
And I don't mind because you always come back after it,
and I don't mind because I love you.
I love you.
I love you, and you love me too.

Chorus:
And I am over the moon-
and you are with me too.
And someday soon,
I'll shoot your balloon.
Someday soon
I'll shoot your balloon

(When I close my eyes)
I see you when you say that you really really love me.
And I know that you're seeing other girls,
but I can see you when you throw your arms around me.
And I don't mind because you always come back after it.
And I don't mind because I love you.
I love you.
I love you, and you love me too.

Chorus

Eventually I'll run out of love,
and I will have to wake up.